5 Ways Marriage Proposals Are Different In Japan

Between the traditions of the past and the modern, globalized world, how do Japanese couples get engaged these days?

In the West, marriage proposals have some common features: the man plans something elaborate for his lady, produces a ring and pops the question. After my boyfriend proposed, I became curious about marriage proposals and engagements in Japan. So, I surveyed six married Japanese friends on their own experiences and their observations of society more broadly. While there were lots of similarities, there were also some enlightening differences. Here are five ways marriage proposals differ in Japan.

1. Size Doesn’t Always Matter

© Photo by iStock: Panupong Piewkleng

The first big difference I noticed was that grand gestures are not as common in Japan as in the West. In countries like Australia, elaborately planned proposals are par for the course. Originality is key and great expense is sometimes involved. Stories of public proposals or scavenger hunts that lead to a ring are not out of the ordinary.

None of my Japanese friends mentioned such proposals, although one did say a few of her male friends had made grand gestures when they knew their girlfriends were expecting them. But everyone agreed quiet, low-key proposals are more common.

My husband proposed to me right after he woke up from a nap.

My favorite such story came from Mai. “My husband proposed to me right after he woke up from a nap,” she said. “I was reading a book on the couch and he said something like, ‘I feel so right with you. Will you marry me?’ It was very typical of him. The more important things are, the less he considers and the more he trusts his gut feeling.”

Another friend echoes an idea I’ve heard before about why this might be the case: that while some women have romantic notions, Japanese men may be too shy to fulfill those hopes.

2. Not Constrained By Gender

© Photo by iStock: yamasan

I found another rather surprising difference: more women are proposing to men in Japan.

While my survey was by no means exhaustive, two out of the six women I interviewed had proposed to their husbands. This was surprising. I have seen dozens of friends get engaged back home, and it is always the man who proposes.

Broadly speaking, it’s probably not all that common in Japan either. But the casualness with which both friends mentioned it—and the fact that neither is a rebel against society—makes me think it might be less of a big deal here for a lady to propose to her man.

“It wasn’t a typical way to propose,” Miho confirms while talking about how she asked her husband to marry her after they had had a fight. “But I sometimes hear of the same situation.” The woman proposing, not the fight, she clarifies.

I also wonder if this could be related to the “shy man” theory; could this be another reason why it’s not taboo for a woman to ask her beau to marry her in Japan?

3. ‘The Ring’ is Mostly Kept for Special Occasions

© Photo by iStock: Aleksey Matrenin

So how about that central symbol of the proposal—the man down on one knee, holding up a ring box with a sparkling diamond inside? Well, it definitely has a place in modern Japanese engagements. It just seems to be less of a centerpiece than in the West.

I noticed that most married Japanese women only wear one ring, so I suggested to my friend Miho that perhaps they don’t receive engagement rings.

Even though all my respondents thought it was pretty usual to wear an engagement ring, the majority of them had actually not received one.

But she corrected me. “We do wear an engagement ring during the engagement, but when we get married, we replace it with the wedding band and keep the first ring at home. After that, we only wear the engagement ring when we go to a special event, like somebody else’s wedding.”

Mai had even done this while engaged. “I didn’t wear it every day, but once a week on a bit of a special occasion, like when going to a museum or ballet performance,” she explained.

On the other hand, although all my respondents thought it was pretty usual to wear an engagement ring, the majority had not received one.

4. Traditional Engagement Ceremonies Are a Thing in Japan

© Photo by iStock: voyata

As marriage has changed, so has the marriage proposal (this is no less true in Japan than in the West). However, despite the fact that Japanese couples are increasingly doing things their own way, some traditions have hung around.

Whereas in the West, we tend to have a casual engagement party, in Japan, there is the yuino (結納). This is a traditional ceremony where the families meet and exchange symbolic gifts like dried seafood and money for prosperity and old age. Most of my interviewees hadn’t personally held this ceremony, but it seems common in rural areas.

Another tradition that is practiced only occasionally these days is using an omiai (お見合い) to find a marriage partner. This is a formal matchmaking service that sets up a meeting and acts as a go-between to arrange the engagement. Ikuko was the only one of my friends to have met her husband this way; they dated for a year before he asked her to marry him, and they were engaged for another year. They held a yuino three months before the wedding.

5. The Length of Engagement is Usually a Year

© Photo by iStock: west

As in Ikuko’s engagement, the length of time people date before getting engaged isn’t so different from Western relationships.

Several of my Japanese respondents had year-long engagements, and two others were engaged for four and eight months before marrying. While people in Australia are often engaged for about 22 months or two years, in Japan, a year or less seems to be about average.

What did you think of the ways marriage proposals differ in Japan? Share your opinions with us in the comments.

Comments

Shari Davenport says:

September 3, 2023 at 11:43 am

Interesting article about social conventions in other cultures. One concept I didn’t see covered. I am curious if stone size matters? Here they are getting bigger by the day! In 1975 mine was 1/4ct and not unusual, but now 1ct is sneered at by some others

Shari Davenport says:

September 3, 2023 at 11:52 am

I didn’t have room to mention it, but I was not proposed to in Japan. I am a USA Jeweler’s Granddaughter, and a wedding rings aficionado. I’ve been one since I was born, and the other since I was 10! I love learning about their concept in other cultures.

Jennie says:

July 29, 2024 at 8:22 am

As everything else in Japan is, moderate, simple, boring, and doesn’t let men be bothered by putting an extra money or effort for pleasing women.

Delfe says:

October 17, 2024 at 1:21 am

This is called sobriety, Jenny. If you knew about Japanese zen culture, you wouldn’t be them boring. There is wisdom in finding beauty in the mundane.
Not everyone needs big things, noise, and being the center of attention.
Thanks for this great article