A Foreign Girl’s Guide On How To Discuss Sex With Your Japanese Guy

Let's get down to business.

Sex is an essential topic that will — better sooner than later — come up in your romantic relationship, but when it involves international couples, language, and cultural barriers may make one (or both) of you uncomfortable at times. What language should you talk dirty in, and how do you express your fantasies without turning each other down? Is it culturally okay to ask your guy for a stop by at a love hotel — or how the heck do you comfort your guy if he’s worried about his size? These are situations that many foreign women dating Japanese men may be going through.  

Let’s go through all of them one by one.

1. What language to speak in the bedroom

Thankfully, sex is a universal language which requires fewer words and more actions. But you’ll still need to talk about it at some point and you may be wondering what language is the best, especially if your Japanese isn’t perfect. If you’re worried about language issues, start by saying something vague like “I’ve never done this in Japanese before… (日本語では初めてだから… nihongo de hajimete dakara). This will make your guy realize where you’re heading to and will make him supportive — he may even offer to teach you how to talk dirty in Japanese.

Words like “stand up” (立って, tatte), “sit down” (座って, suwatte), “on top” (上で, ue de), “from the back” (バックで, bakku de)”, or “hand job” (手コキ, tekoki) are common and useful as a start. Other terms to remember include: “it feels good” (気持ちいい, kimochi ii),  and if you want him to stop, say “ちょっとやめて” (chotto yamete, “stop for a minute”). If you don’t feel comfortable using Japanese, however, there’s no need to — approach the matter in your own language. Your guy will most probably love it anyways!

2. Size Matters

This is a discussion that I have had more times than I care to remember over the course of my dating life in Japan. Just as with every other nationality on the planet, there are under, average, and exceptionally endowed Japanese men. But the truth is, many Japanese men care about their sizes when it comes to sharing a bed with a foreign woman — because oftentimes they think that we expect more. And this can make them feel inferior and even shy about approaching the topic.

[T]ruth is, many Japanese men care about their sizes when it comes to sharing a bed with a foreign woman.

Anyone familiar with Sex and the City should remember Charlotte’s boyfriend, Mr. “Cat,” who was great at providing oral pleasures because he wasn’t confident in anything else. An Australian friend of mine was dating a similar Japanese man, and while she appreciated his efforts, she wanted to change things up. She sat him down one night and explained what she was after, and he was able to confess that he’d heard Western women think Asian men are ill-equipped and didn’t want to disappoint her sexually. Honesty is what brought them together and the two found a solution by switching positions in bed that left both of them satisfied and assured.

The first time you get intimate with your Japanese man, he might start apologizing, saying things like, “Sorry it’s so small” (小さくてごめん, chiisakute gomen), or “Are you disappointed?” (ガッカリしちゃった？gakkari shichatta?), regardless of his actual size. The more assured he feels though, the better you both will feel, so find a subtle way to tell him that this isn’t a problem for you (if it really isn’t). You can say something like, “No, it’s big” (ううん、大きい uun, ookii), or “It’s the perfect size for me” (ちょうどいいサイズ, chodo ii saizu). The best answer to this depends on your relationship with your guy and the language you speak in bed, but reassuring him is always the way to go.  

3. “Do You Have Some Time?” Love Hotel Visits

In my early 20s, I gathered my fair share of love hotel point cards with my ex-boyfriend. We were young, broke, and neither of us was living alone, so a visit to a love hotel was the only way we could spend quality time together. But even if you don’t have to rely on going to one, sometimes it can spice things up, so a conversation of this kind is highly foreseeable.

If you’re feeling in the mood to head off with your partner to someplace more private, there are two ways to go about it. You could go with the old classics, “I don’t want to go home yet” (まだ帰りたくない, mada kaeritakunai), or “I want to stay with you tonight” (今夜は一緒にいたい, konya wa issho ni itai), which have very clear implications. You could also use a very direct approach and go straight to the point by saying, “Do you want to go to a love hotel?”  (ラブホ行く？” rabuho iku?)

And as a heads up, if some guy you barely know asks you vague questions like “Do you have some time?” (今時間ある？ ima jikan aru?), he is either trying to scout you for porn or trying to get you to a hotel for a quickie. Your best bet is to just ignore them.

4. Feeling or Not Feeling It

Unless your guy is extremely experienced and influenced by foreign cultures (or videos), you may find that they discuss intimate issues in bed directly far less frequently than western men. This is largely culturally influenced, and perhaps also linguistically in case of international couples.

One acquaintance in his 50s described this in the following way:

“Japanese men of my generation should apologize to women for being awful in bed. We never learned that sex was supposed to feel good for everyone involved; sex was for making babies or something your girlfriend or wife did to make you happy.” (Masa, 52, Japanese)

As such, many Japanese men are not quite used to ask or are ready to hear about the female orgasm — especially when it’s explained in English. Again, honesty is key, so don’t be afraid to guide your guy whatever his fears and cultural background are. Simple terms like “harder” (もっと強く, motto tsuyoku), or just “motto” (more), “faster” (もっと早く, motto hayaku), “slower” (もっとゆっくり, motto yukkuri), “there” (そこ, soko), and “don’t stop” (止めないで, yamenaide), can help guide your man along. Don’t be afraid to take the reigns — your man will surely make a quick study of.

5. Cosplay, Toys, and Lotions, Oh My

Some people have different needs in the bedroom, others have fantasies or habits that they want to share with you, and others still might be in relationships that are completely sexually fulfilling, but are looking for something new to try.

Whether you are into costumes (コスプレ, kosupurei), vibrators (バイブレーター, baibureta), oil or lotion massages (オイルマッサージ, oiru massaji), BDSM or rope play (縛り, shibari), there is a proper Japanese term to explain your needs — or understand your partner’s. While it can seem embarrassing having to explain what turns you on and off, it’s better to have that kind of discussion rather than walk into a room and see your guy wearing a leather suit.

[A]n awkward discussion is far less frustrating than an awkward moment spent in bed.

To bring the topic up, start the conversation with phrases like “do you like…?” (…好き？ … suki?) or “are you interested in…? (…に興味ある？ …ni kyoumi aru?). The same goes for things you are not comfortable with. A simple “not so much” (それはちょっと…, sore wa chotto…) followed with “but I like….” (けど…が好き, kedo…ga suki) will help you make your point straight.

To sum it up, honest communication is key to a healthy sexual relationship and will help make things better for you both in the long run. Besides, an awkward discussion is far less frustrating than an awkward moment spent in bed, isn’t it?