All About Friendship Marriage in Japan

Get to know a new trend in Japan: marrying for companionship rather than love. Read on to learn more about this intriguing life choice.

A friendship marriage, referred to as tomodachi kekkon (friend marriage) or yuujyou kekkon (friendship marriage) in Japanese, is a marriage formed solely through friendship. In most cases, the defining characteristic of the partnership compared to traditional marriage is the lack of a sexual relationship.

This unique partnership is gaining steam as a life choice for young people in Japan. It is thought to currently account for 1% of marriages in the country. Keep reading to learn all about how partners in friendship marriages can manage their relationship, household and potential children. And, of course, we will also explore why friendship marriages are becoming more popular in Japan.

Why are people in Japan marrying their friends?

© Photo by iStock: LeoPatrizi

Japan’s low birth rate and declining marriage rate have been a cause of alarm for decades. And, simultaneously, as we have recently covered on Savvy, there are still many legal hurdles for equality for women and LBGTQ people in the country. Despite the legal, economic and cultural factors affecting marriage and birth rates, there has been much reporting on young people’s lack of interest in coupling up.

Friendship marriage, like companion dating, confronts the complicated economic and cultural landscape of marriage in Japan. Of course, like any other marriage, people choose to enter this kind of coupledom for a variety of reasons. Here are a few that are often cited:

• Navigating the heterosexual dating world is too exhausting and time-consuming.
• Individuals yearn for companionship and commitment without sexuality.  
• Cultural, legal and economic barriers to coming out as queer make it feel “not worth it.”
• People who identify as LGBTQ point to the lack of nationally recognized same-sex marriage. As well as the difficulty of having children in a same-sex partnership.
• Some people seek a stable family life without worrying about sexual jealousy, betrayal, etc.
• People want to search for marriage partners who respect their asexual or nonsexual identity.

Friendship marriages are especially appealing to people who identify as sexual minorities in Japan. Some LGBTQ, asexual and nonsexual people still desire to participate in a heterosexual family unit, either with children or without. Friendship marriage can allow people to enjoy companionship. They can have the support and economic advantages of a long-term partnership without a sexual connection with their marriage partner.

How is a friendship marriage different from that of a couple who marries for love?

© Photo by iStock: Hirurg

The main difference between a friendship marriage and a marriage borne out of attraction is the decision to not have a sexual relationship with your spouse. In some relationships, sex is kept outside of the marriage following whatever boundaries that the partners put in place. For others, such as those with asexual and/or nonsexual partners, both people agree that they are not interested in pursuing sexual relationships either in the marriage or outside.

In either case, proponents say that many people are interested in a marriage without the ups and downs that can come with a long-term romantic and physical relationship. However, should feelings of romance or attraction develop elsewhere, they can perhaps more easily discuss it together and come to an agreement.

How do these couples organize their home life and live together? Do these couples have children?

© Photo by iStock: miya227

While some couples marry but choose to live separately, the majority of couples share a home, with or without children. Some individuals in friendship marriages hope for a long-term partnership without children. Since friendship marriages usually sidestep sexual relationships, having children can be more complicated. However, if both partners hope to have a family, advances in reproductive technology, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF), can help make this dream a reality.

The service agency Colorus, which helps to connect individuals hoping to find a partner for friendship marriage, found that 80% of its successful marriages result in cohabitation with a child while 15% cohabit without children and 5% live separately, with or without children. The agency also explains that almost all friendship marriages established using its services have used reproductive technology to conceive.

In contrast, the marriage advice agency TMS Partner suggests that friendship marriages are not well-suited for individuals who hope for a family with children. The kodomo mondai (child problem), as they call it, can rear its head if one partner wants to try for a child, perhaps through intercourse with their spouse, but the other is uncomfortable. As with traditional marriages, it is essential to have deep conversations about starting a family before tying the knot.

What are the main steps to take if you’re interested in a friendship marriage?

© Photo by iStock: Erdark

Some friendship marriages begin with a preexisting bond. Perhaps it is a university friend whom you never dated or a childhood friend whom you never had feelings for. There are many pluses to marrying a longtime friend, such as shared histories, shared interests and ease of communication. Should problems in the marriage arise, from disagreements about money to extramarital attractions, partners in a friendship marriage can draw on their shared past and similar values to work together.

For others, friendship marriage partners can be found online. Similar to how many use dating apps to find a suitor for traditional partnerships, both straight and queer. The service agency Colorus is dedicated to helping people find partners for friendship marriages. After initially signing up, you apply for an omiai (formal meeting with a prospective spouse). You can then contact each other for up to six months before “graduating” from the agency and getting officially married.

So, there you have it! With cultural, legal and economic barriers still in place, especially for sexual minorities in Japan, friendship marriages have emerged as an appealing option. With the chance to gain lifelong companionship and family while remaining true to your own boundaries and identity, this is a unique life path that may continue to gain popularity.

Would you consider entering into a friendship marriage? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.