Could You Date A Japanese Host? Here’s My Experience

Dating in Japan comes in various forms, but what's it like dating a host?

There are so many things to experience when you’re new to Japan. Dating is always an exciting endeavor—one that you’ll likely want to enjoy while living and working here. There are lots of handsome men of various types to choose from and date throughout the country, but one group that has traditionally gotten a lot of attention from tourists and residents alike is Japanese host club hosts.

Yes, the flirty, well-dressed guys who get paid to pay attention and drink with women in clubs in the red-light districts around major cities. When I first came to Japan nearly 20 years ago, I dated a host for nearly a year, and while it didn’t work out, it was a great experience just the same.

How Did I Meet A Host?

© Photo by iStock: krblokhin

The old-fashioned way. Picture it: Tokyo 2007. I’d been teaching English in Japan for less than a year and had just signed up for a language exchange website. I got a lot of messages, some friendly and a lot of sketchy ones, but one caught my eye. It was from a guy around my age who already spoke English fairly well. Who wouldn’t reply?

We texted on our flip phones for a couple of weeks, then met in person for coffee. One lesson turned into a meeting for lunch, and then we became a couple. At first, he told me he was a businessman, but when we met in person that first time, he admitted to being a host.

My knowledge of what that meant was limited to sketchy stories from friends, so I wasn’t sure I wanted to pursue things at first. But he was nice and attentive, and his schedule worked with mine which was the rarest thing of all. I went into the relationship with a vague idea of how things would be.

The Positives

Some might think the best parts of dating a host were obvious: he was handsome, well-dressed and rich. While those were great, what meant more was his charm. He could carry conversations in two languages (Japanese better than English at first), remembered details about me and what we talked about, and wasn’t too proud to admit when he didn’t know or understand something. It sounds like a perfect relationship, doesn’t it?

The Negatives

Let’s not forget the other side of Japan’s nightlife. That emphasis on his appearance meant he needed to be social-media-ready before social media was even a buzzword. He had to spend a lot of his hard-earned money on updating and maintaining his looks. Brand-name clothes, custom suits, stylists, minor cosmetic surgery—his appearance changed over the course of that year.

Drinking nearly every night of the week and sleeping odd hours took its toll on his health, which meant he had to take time off, which cost him money, which added stress, which affected his health… It was a vicious cycle that he stuck with because the money and attention had become too good to pass up.

Ultimately what ended our relationship, however, was time. My work schedule changed drastically. I was working more hours earlier in the afternoon to late in the evening. He couldn’t meet at night and slept most of the weekends or was entertaining high rollers during special holidays and events. We went nearly a month without seeing one another and agreed that ending things would be better for both of us. No hard feelings, no ill will.

Before You Date A Japanese Host

© Photo by iStock: martin-dm

Things have changed dramatically in multiple ways since 2007. Dating is still an adventure, though—one that lots of people who come to Japan want to experience.

A friend of a friend who is fairly new to Japan just recently started dating a host herself. She reached out to me to ask about my experience. Through our conversations, she revealed that while some of what occurred in my relationship is still an issue nowadays, social media seems to be impacting things infinitely more.

Like other popular influencers and celebrities in Japan, hosts are expected to appear single and available online. They have public accounts where their images and stories are shared, and they’re meant to be enticing to everyone.

If you find yourself in a position to date a Japanese host (or an influencer, Youtuber, etc.), have a long, in-depth conversation with yourself first. I’ve already briefly mentioned the good and bad sides, but there are two other factors you still must consider.

Are You A Jealous Person?

Most people would automatically say no; no one wants to think that of themselves. Yet, the thought of their partner not being able to spend time with them because they’re busy entertaining other women would drive them to distraction. In my case, I didn’t really mind, but again, that was a long time ago. Given the prevalence and importance of social media nowadays, some might feel invisible or uncomfortable seeing their partner paying attention to others, which leads to the second factor.

What Do You Consider Cheating? 

Is a flirtatious conversation a dealbreaker? What about holding hands, hugging or kissing someone else? What if the customer is someone who can bankroll private encounters with a host outside the club? Would you consider that cheating?

Essentially what it all boils down to is whether or not you and your prospective partner can separate their work from your relationship. If your goal is a serious, monogamous relationship, then you should walk away sooner rather than later. If you want to have some fun and can handle the ups and downs of the nightlife, then, by all means, go for it.

Just remember to respect yourself, know your limits, and, most of all, enjoy the experience of dating in Japan.

So, what do you think? Could you date a Japanese host?