A Foreign Girl’s Guide On How To Discuss Sex With Your Japanese Guy

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Sex is an essential topic that will—better sooner than later—come up in your romantic relationship. However, when it involves international couples, language and cultural barriers may make one (or both) of you uncomfortable at times. What language should you talk dirty in and how do you express your fantasies without turning each other down? Is it culturally okay to ask your guy for a stop by at a love hotel—or how the heck do you comfort your guy if he’s worried about his size? These are situations that many foreign women dating Japanese men may be going through. So, if you’re one of these women stuck on how to discuss these sorts of sex topics with your guy, this guide is for you!

1. What Language To Speak In The Bedroom

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Thankfully, sex is a universal language that requires fewer words and more actions. However, you’ll still need to talk about it at some point. You may be wondering, what language is the best, especially if your Japanese isn’t perfect. If you’re worried about language issues, start by saying something vague like:

日本語では初めてだから… (nihongo de hajimete dakara; “I’ve never done this in Japanese before…”)

This will make your guy realize where you’re heading and will make him supportive—he may even offer to teach you how to talk dirty in Japanese.

These words are common and useful as a start:

• 立って (tatte; “stand up”)
• 座って (suwatte; “sit down“)
• 上で (ue de; “on top”)
• バックで (bakku de; “from the back”)
• 手コキ (tekoki; “hand job”)
• 気持ちいい (kimochi ii; “it feels good”)
• ちょっとやめて (chotto yamete; “stop for a minute”)

If you don’t feel comfortable using Japanese, however, there’s no need to—approach the matter in your own language. Your guy will most probably love it anyway!

2. Size Matters

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This is a discussion that I have had more times than I care to remember over the course of my dating life in Japan. Just as with every other nationality on the planet, there are under, average and exceptionally endowed Japanese men. But the truth is, many Japanese men care about their sizes when it comes to sharing a bed with a foreign woman because oftentimes they think that we expect more. This can make them feel inferior and even shy about approaching the topic.

Anyone familiar with Sex and the City should remember Charlotte’s boyfriend, Mr. “Cat,” who was great at providing oral pleasures because he wasn’t confident in anything else. An Australian friend of mine was dating a similar Japanese man. While she appreciated his efforts, she wanted to change things up. She sat him down one night and explained what she was after, and he was able to confess that he’d heard Western women think Asian men are ill-equipped and didn’t want to disappoint her sexually. Honesty is what brought them together, and the two found a solution by switching positions in bed, which left both of them satisfied and assured.

So, how do I go about it?

The first time you get intimate with your Japanese man, regardless of his actual size, he might start apologizing, saying things like:

• 小さくてごめん (chiisakute gomen; “Sorry it’s so small”)
• ガッカリしちゃった？(gakkari shichatta?; “Are you disappointed?”)

The more assured he feels, though, the better you both will feel. So find a subtle way to tell him that this isn’t a problem for you (if it really isn’t).

You can say something like:

• ううん、大きい (uun, ookii; “No, it’s big”)
• ちょうどいいサイズ (chodo ii saizu; “It’s the perfect size for me”)

The best answer to this depends on your relationship with your guy and the language you speak in bed, but reassuring him is always the best option.

3. Love Hotel Visits

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In my early 20s, I gathered my fair share of love hotel point cards with my ex-boyfriend. We were young and broke, and neither of us was living alone. A visit to a love hotel was the only way we could spend quality time together. But even if you don’t have to rely on going to one, sometimes it can spice things up. So, a conversation of this kind is highly foreseeable.

If you’re feeling in the mood to head off with your partner to someplace more private, there are two ways to go about it.

You could go with the old classics with very clear implications:

• まだ帰りたくない (mada kaeritakunai; “I don’t want to go home yet”)
• 今夜は一緒にいたい (konya wa issho ni itai; “I want to stay with you tonight”)

You could also use a very direct approach and go straight to the point by saying:

ラブホ行く？ (rabuho iku?; “Do you want to go to a love hotel?”)

And as a heads up, if some guy you barely know asks you vague questions like 今時間ある？ (ima jikan aru?; “Do you have some time?”), he is either trying to scout you for porn or trying to get you to a hotel for a quickie. Your best bet is to ignore them.

4. Feeling Or Not Feeling It

© Photo by iStock: Yuliia Kaveshnikova

Unless your guy is extremely experienced and influenced by foreign cultures (or videos), you may find that they discuss intimate issues in bed directly far less frequently than Western men. This is largely culturally influenced, and perhaps also linguistically in the case of international couples.

One acquaintance in his 50s described this in the following way:

“Japanese men of my generation should apologize to women for being awful in bed. We never learned that sex was supposed to feel good for everyone involved; sex was for making babies or something your girlfriend or wife did to make you happy.” (Masa, 52, Japanese)

As such, many Japanese men are not entirely used to asking or are ready to hear about the female orgasm—especially in English. Again, honesty is key, so don’t be afraid to guide your guy whatever his fears and cultural background are.

Simple terms can help guide your man along. Try:

• もっと強く (motto tsuyoku; “harder”)
• もっと早く (motto hayaku; “faster”)
• もっとゆっくり (motto yukkuri; “slower”)
• もっと (motto; “more”)
• そこ (soko; “there”)
• やめないで (yamenaide; “don’t stop“)

Don’t be afraid to take the reigns—your man will surely make a quick study of it.

5. Cosplay, Toys & Lotions

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Some people have different needs in the bedroom, others have fantasies or habits that they want to share with you. Others still might be in relationships that are completely sexually fulfilling but are looking for something new to try.

Whatever it is you’re into, there is a proper Japanese term to explain your needs—or understand your partner’s. Here are some popular sex-related terms:

• コスプレ (kosupure; “cosplay”)
• バイブレーター (baibureta; “vibrators“)
• オイルマッサージ (oiru massaji; “oil massage”)
• ローション (ro-shon; “lotion”)
• 縛り (shibari; “BDSM or rope play”)

While it can seem embarrassing having to explain what turns you on and off, it’s better to have that kind of discussion rather than walk into a room and see your guy wearing a leather suit.

To bring the topic up, start the conversation with phrases like:

• …好き？ (…suki?; “do you like…?”)
• …に興味ある？ (…ni kyoumi aru?; “are you interested in…?“)

The same goes for things you are not comfortable with. Help make your point straight with a simple:

それはちょっと… (sore wa chotto…; “not so much…”) followed with けど…が好き (kedo…ga suki; “but I like…”)

To sum it up, honest communication is key to a healthy sexual relationship and will help make things better for you both in the long run. Besides, an awkward discussion is far less frustrating than an awkward moment spent in bed, isn’t it?

We hope this article has given you some pointers on how to discuss sex with your Japanese guy. If you have any further questions, Savvy Tokyo’s resident “Love in Japan” columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers. Email your question to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

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