Letters From Japan: “My Boyfriend Suddenly Changed” & “I Thought He Liked Me”

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues.

Hi Hilary—My boyfriend suddenly changed. Was I correct to end the relationship?

I was seeing this guy pretty seriously for a few months, but things suddenly changed between us. We only spoke Japanese together. Before, he would call me by my name or use ‘anata,’ and called himself ‘boku.’ However, suddenly he starting calling me ‘omae’ and referring to himself as ‘ore.’ He’d also gotten short with me—like, he had a temper that he didn’t before. No matter what I said, even if I agreed with him completely, he’d still get pissed off at me. I dumped him, obviously, but what gives?

—Sudden Change Changed Our Paths

Dear Sudden Change,

I’m sorry to hear that. As a Japanese speaker, you’ve probably learned that the polite ways to refer to another person are anata in general and kimi for a child or someone of a younger age or lower position than yourself. Omae, on the other hand, comes across as rude and is most often used derogatively. Moreover, while boku is a boyish, neutral way of referring to oneself, ore tends to have a more arrogant or overconfident image.

If it had just been a change in language, I would say that it was simply the end of the honeymoon period of the relationship. Thus, as he became more comfortable with you, he returned to his natural pattern of speaking. In that situation, I would have suggested talking to him about it and perhaps telling him that you didn’t like being called omae.

However, because of the personality change, I’d say you just dodged a bullet. Anyone who undergoes a drastic personality change, especially one toward overly aggressive behavior, is someone you don’t need in your life.

I’ve met a few men like this in Japan and elsewhere.

I’ve noticed that they tend to start acting this way when their image of you has changed.

They decide that somehow you’ve changed, and it’s not a change that they support. This is by no means your fault in any way, shape or form. You might have said something completely innocent that just riled him up. Or, maybe he saw something on TV about someone similar to you that made him angry. It’s entirely based on his own interpretation of things. But once he got that idea into his head, he couldn’t get over it.

I knew someone who started treating his girlfriend this way when she disagreed about what her future career should be. She didn’t want to follow in his footsteps, and her independence made him feel ignored/emasculated. Instead of breaking up with her though, he pushed her away in a similar manner until she dumped him—which sounds similar to what happened to you.

I’d keep an eye out, though; you might suddenly hear from him again in a few months (or even years), trying to apologize or act as though nothing happened between you two.

I hope you find someone who appreciates you!

Hi Hilary—I thought he liked me.

I worked as a JET at a private school and had this male Japanese co-worker. He always brought me omiyage [souvenirs] or asked to join me for lunch or to spend time with me. He could speak English fairly well (my Japanese isn’t that great) and we sometimes hung out on the weekends too. Nothing physical since we worked together, but I really liked him. I decided to change jobs in September and was going to try asking him out on a real date, but he kept snubbing me. What should I do?

—Confused in Japan

Dear Confused,

Unfortunately, this guy might have been looking for a “co-worker to romantic partner” type of situation. Which, according to my male friends, is still something that a lot of guys dream about. The shared hours, work experiences and bonding over workplace activities/events make it easy to meet someone who understands what you’re going through. It makes them less likely to be too demanding or unwilling to compromise when it comes to scheduling dates, etc.

That being said, the fact that you changed jobs and he started snubbing you makes this situation less about him being into you, and more about him enjoying the convenience that dating you would have. In other words, dating a coworker meant less effort for him. However, now that you’re not a coworker, you might take more effort than he’s willing to put into a relationship. Most probably, it has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person or potential partner, and everything to do with him being, well, lazy, basically.

I’m sure that if you get out, join some activities or groups, and make some friends, you’ll find someone who is willing to put in the effort to date you like you deserve. Best of luck!

What do you think: Was “Sudden Change Changed Our Paths” right to end the relationship? And should “Confused in Japan” move on or ask the guy directly? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!