Letters From Japan: “We’re Dating, But He Won’t Let Me Call Him My ‘Boyfriend.’ Is Something Wrong?”

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women's health issues.

Hi, Hilary—Why Won’t He Let Me Call Him My “Boyfriend”?

I’ve lived in Japan for four years, and have been with my Japanese boyfriend for almost half that. At least I think he’s my boyfriend. I’m not exactly sure what we are to one another. We go on dates, he sleeps over at my place, I go to his, we know each other’s friends and we all spend time together (where we’re obviously a couple), but when I call him my boyfriend, he tells me not to use that word—kareshi (boyfriend), specifically—about him. I asked him why not, and he said he didn’t feel comfortable with that word but got upset when I asked what to call him instead. We’re still together, but I don’t know what we are to one another. We do everything that couples do, so…?”

—What Are We?

Dear, What Are We?

I can tell how frustrated you must be with this situation, and I understand how you feel. I’ve been there before, and it can make what seems like the perfect relationship feel strange if you think about it too much.

There are thousands of sites and magazines out there, each with its own criteria for what constitutes a “real” boyfriend or girlfriend. But I don’t think that’s the issue here. You two go on dates, have a physical relationship and spend time as a couple. You didn’t mention anything about exclusivity to one another, but I get the impression that this is implied from your message. I think it’s safe to say that he is your boyfriend, and you are his girlfriend.

Trying to define a relationship status like you would on Facebook isn’t clear-cut for many people—Japanese or not. A girlfriend, whether called ga-rufurendo (ガールフレンド) in katakana or kanojo (彼女) in kanji means the same thing, so there isn’t an issue with the terminology itself.

My Japanese partner has his own hang-ups about the words “boyfriend” and “kareshi.” He thinks the terms should only apply to middle school or high school relationships and maybe casual university ones. He often tells me that as we get older, we should be equal and mature enough to call each other partners.

In terms of official documents, you are either single (未婚, mikon, single) or (既婚, kikon, married) regardless of whether or not you’re in a committed relationship.

That tends to be how many of the Japanese men I spoke to see it—even if you are technically a couple, you aren’t married, and therefore, your relationship isn’t strictly definable by legal means.

Your Japanese partner might object to the label “boyfriend” because he feels like what you are to one another is obvious enough not to require defining. He might not be rushing out to make anything legally binding, but he’s obviously invested in your relationship. I think you should focus instead on why you feel the need to put a label on your relationship. Why does it bother you that he dislikes the word kareshi/boyfriend, when there is nothing to suggest that he is anything but?

Sometimes, trying to define who you are to one another is a very subjective hunt through all the details of your relationship. It can uncover old slights that you might otherwise have forgotten and turn non-problems into insurmountable ones.

Forcing someone to label a relationship can make them question what it means to them.

It can also make them wonder if the hassle of labeling is worth it. “Labels shouldn’t matter as long as you’re happy together” is a piece of advice my friend once gave me. I try to keep that in mind when dating. If you’re happy with your man and there are no red flags about his loyalties, just call him your partner if asked. Leave it at that.

Do you agree with this advice, or would you argue that she is in a position to call him her boyfriend? Do you think it’s important to define a relationship or not? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Comments

Tetsuya_TKY says:

January 19, 2025 at 9:09 pm

We need to know more detailed story behind them, but for me, it sounds weird. He should explain “why” he feels uncomfortable to be called 彼氏 or boyfriend for constructive conversation.

Louis Morales says:

January 21, 2025 at 5:11 am

Some men want the benefits of intimate relations but they don’t want the adjoining responsibilities those relations require. “Sure, lets have sex, but I want to keep my options open, for me.” Don’t U dare try to do same. U need to leave if he can’t say GF

Ron Parise says:

January 23, 2025 at 3:37 pm

Honestly if he gets upset and won’t explain you have huge red flags for when more serious differences of opinion come up. I would suggest you consider moving on.

Alibaba says:

January 24, 2025 at 11:22 am

My elder sister wasted 10 years of her life with a similar guy (he was nice enough but ultimately wouldn’t commit) and by the time he left her and she’d married someone else, it was too late for her to have children. Time to move on.

Buba says:

January 24, 2025 at 1:53 pm

It’s been over two years. Most people know after six months if they want to commit. He doesn’t know, and that’s all What Are We? needs to know. We’re What Are We? my child, I’ll tell him or her to be happy with what you got. It will not change.

Reader says:

January 25, 2025 at 1:26 pm

If he’s uncomfortable with “kareshi” and upset when asked what else to call him, you’re not bf/gf. You’re his friend with benefits. (I had such an experience with a Niigata woman who I thought was my partner.) He’s immature and doesn’t want commitment.

In the 21st century? Really? says:

January 25, 2025 at 7:28 pm

“Being upset” about such a trivial thing is a huge red flag. And Hilary’s advice reads like a submissive 1950s housewife: “Stand by your man and don’t push things.” If you are both mature adults you should be able to talk about anything. Guess he isn’t.