Timeless Marriage Advice For Women

Elderly women's advice for marriage still rings true today.

Once upon a time, I worked out in the countryside, teaching at a school where my students were either under 10 years old or over 80. The elderly women in my class were fierce, funny and full of wisdom—especially when it came to sharing marriage advice for women. They never held back their opinions, offering insights gained from decades of experience.

Some of the advice they had to share on marriage could be considered controversial now, but in practical terms, they still apply. This advice applies to marriages in general, but to anyone considering marriage in Japan, it might be particularly relevant.

1. Money Is Everything

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Money is important, and given how turbulent the world is today, it can make or break even the strongest of relationships.

A-san, 85 years old at the time, was a housewife from Tokyo who moved to the countryside with her husband after he retired from leading a large company in Tokyo throughout the Bubble. She told me her mother’s advice when A-san moved to Tokyo to work as a secretary, was the following:

“Find a man that knows the value of the money they earn, but isn’t cheap when it matters.”

A-san grew up poor, so the value of every single yen coming in was deeply ingrained in her mind. She and her husband saved religiously but weren’t afraid of spending when it mattered.

“Our children went to good schools; not the most expensive, but the ones with the best quality teachers. We never bought cheap things. If it couldn’t be used or enjoyed for a year at least, it wasn’t worth it.“

While more and more people are living paycheck to paycheck, buying for quality isn’t always affordable, but it still can save you money in the long run.

2. Family Isn’t Everything

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Family is another subject that can evoke strong feelings within a person.

“My husband’s mother demanded attention from her children constantly. It was hell on earth until he was offered a promotion: if he moved to Osaka, they’d give him a house and company car there. We moved, and I think I fell in actual love with him after we were away from his mother” (B-san, 91 years old).

Her advice was this:

“Whether you should marry someone or not is a matter of knowing the family. If you can’t stand their company for more than a day at a time, don’t marry the man!”

While this certainly applies to relationships, it also applies to other aspects of life. If you can’t stand your environment, then it’s not where you should be. Don’t be afraid to find what makes you the best version of yourself you can be.

3. Get It In Writing

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Nowadays, most people in the Western world marry for love, but historically, that wasn’t the case in Japan.

“Our parents were friends, and they decided we should get married. I agreed since he was nice enough. After he started working, he slept with women at his office, hostesses too, and I was left to raise our kids. I’m lucky I didn’t catch anything! I should have kicked him out on his a** years ago” (C-san, 87 years old).

Her advice?

“Marry for love if you want, but get everything agreed to in writing ahead of time.”

As in, if you’re going to get married, have a solid prenuptial agreement in place. Be practical about expectations, lock down your personal assets in case of divorce, and most of all, make sure to have an adultery clause.

Another couple shared the same advice with me. Neither partner was attracted to the other (they never stated their sexualities) but ‘had to’ get married for family reasons. They had a written agreement that the other could have their needs fulfilled so long as they remained married.

“We could be ourselves with one another, and that made living in the world at the time tolerable. We might not choose to do so if we were young now, but back then, this was the best we could have hoped for” (D-san & E-san, 80s).

Prenuptial agreements aren’t romantic; they’re a legal contract that states what to expect if a marriage falls apart. With how turbulent the world is, making sure that you’re protected even in terms of the person you love most is practical to this day.

4. Don’t Stagnate

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This piece of advice actually came from several women, all of whom had been married for varying lengths of time and different degrees of success.

“If you get married, make sure you have skills that will help you survive a divorce.”

F-san, 80s at the time, didn’t have a college degree and had four young children when her husband divorced her to marry someone he’d met at work. “All I knew how to do was cook. I ended up working at a bento shop, my kids raised each other and we barely scraped by for years.“

G-san, 92 at the time. “I married when I graduated, I never worked and I had three children with my husband and ended up a single mother when he left us. It took a long time, but I got work as a clerk only because I passed a typing test.“

H-san, 76 at the time. “I met my husband at work. He was married, divorced his wife and married me. We had two children, and then he divorced me for someone else. I went back to work but only made minimum wage for years because my skill set was too out of date.“

If getting married and having children are your goals, they shouldn’t be your only focus in life. Again, while it might seem unromantic, marriages end for as many reasons as they start. If you can’t support yourself and any children you might have, whether that’s in Japan or overseas, you’re in real danger. Keep your skills up-to-date! Take free online courses to learn new skills and keep yourself employable in some regard—just in case.

What do you think about this marriage advice for women? Do you agree or disagree? Anything to add? Let us know in the comments!