How Japan Raises Resilient Children

Resilience is key to stress management and stronger performance. And it is something we should teach our children from a very early age.

As a very young toddler, my son frequently grew frustrated when attempting tasks. He often gave up easily when something proved too hard, asking for me to finish it. As a parent who prizes independence, I found this lack of effort alarming, even for a child so young.

I wanted to see my son persist in challenging tasks and not give up on the first struggle. If he didn’t succeed at first, I wanted him to try again. Most importantly, I believed that what I taught him at two years old would shape the way he approached life in the future, and I wanted to give him tools to be self-reliant.

My Japanese-language teacher told me about a Japanese proverb that perfectly encapsulated what I wanted to teach.

Nana korobi ya oki

Fall down seven times, get up eight.

What I really wanted was for my son to learn resilience, like the proverb says. I didn’t want him to work only toward ‘success,’ but to keep trying. I want him to keep pushing himself no matter the obstacles life throws his way.

Ganbatte Vs. Good Luck

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As I was thinking of ways to teach resilience to my son, a friend happened to say, ‘Good luck!’ to me after I told her about my upcoming plans to climb Mt. Fuji. It struck me then that there is a vast difference between an American mindset and a Japanese one in how we approach big challenges in life. An American would say, ‘Good luck!’ before a big exam or presentation. In Japan, you’d say Ganbatte!—which roughly translates to “do your best!“

Praising effort—instead of linking the result to luck or natural ability—is a relatively new parenting ‘insight’ in the United States. However, it has been part of the Japanese child-rearing culture throughout its history. After decades of encouraging children with phrases such as “You are so smart” in the States, a groundbreaking study from researchers at the University of Chicago and Stanford indicated parents should instead praise their children for effort, with “You worked so hard!”

Instead of limiting children by telling them what they already are, encourage them to believe their potential is limitless. They can be and do whatever they like as long as they put in the hard work and effort. By praising the effort, you encourage them to put in even more.

So, to start, I focused on repeating, “We always try again,” whenever my son’s frustration set in.

The Power of ‘Yet’

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It was actually an internet meme that encouraged me to rethink the way I speak to my children by adding one simple word: “Yet.”

Instead of “I don’t know,” “I can’t understand,” or “I can’t do this,” it becomes:

“I don’t know… yet.”

“I can’t understand… yet.”

“I can’t do this… yet.”

This powerful change in thinking is put into practice in Japan, where students of all abilities learn together (including school club activities). At lunch with a Japanese friend, gushing over our experience at a traditional kindergarten, my friend pointed out that American school systems did have some advantages, at least from her point of view: children can move ahead based on natural ability.

American children might be put into accelerated learning classes for students deemed ‘gifted’ or even skipped ahead a year in elementary school. Children who are struggling with subject matter might be asked to repeat a grade.

While my friend felt this system was admirable, psychologist Angela Duckworth in her best-selling book Grit, sees it differently. In her work, the Japanese school system is held up as a model of teaching resilience, or as Duckworth terms it, ‘grit.’

“Instead of dividing kids up [in Japanese schools], there is a pervasive belief—reinforced in school—that it’s less about what you’re born with than what you do,” Duckworth writes. Some children might have more natural abilities in math, some in art and some in music. Yet the schools don’t promote natural ability. Instead, they teach that with effort, anyone can become competent at any skill. Children might just not know how to do something… yet.

Duckworth goes on to make the persuasive case that Japanese schools’ focus on teaching effort rather than solely rewarding natural ability can have a multitude of other benefits, including increased school satisfaction.

Building A Strong Foundation Through Hansei

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Teaching children the value of effort and hard work has certainly been my experience with my son’s kindergarten. On its website, our school states that its central principle is to give children a solid foundation to build upon, to make them strong in heart and body. During our parent-teacher meetings, my child’s teacher gives detailed feedback on his effort in the three-year-old class, including that he hasn’t mastered putting the toys away cheerfully (yet!).

For older children, the Japanese concept of hansei (self-reflection) becomes more important. Put into practice, hansei helps you identify where you have room for improvement and, most importantly, how to achieve that improvement. Students are often asked to create goals and identify plans to reach them. The ‘growth mindset’ of hansei gives students a sense of control over their future—if they want a better outcome, they must make a plan and work hard.

My son is now three and a half, and from time to time, I’ll overhear him working on a difficult task, whispering to himself, “We always try again,” as he works to master it. We’re off to a better start in resilience, one I hope to keep growing alongside him.

Even better, he always encourages his one-year-old sister. For big and small goals such as difficulty in playing with a complicated toy or learning to climb the stairs, he’s usually right beside her, cheering her on: “Try again! You can do it!”

Do you think these practices in Japan raise resilient children? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Republished for 2024.

Comments

Rozie says:

October 24, 2024 at 8:47 pm

An enlightening read.. I recently became interested in learning more about Japanese principles in life.. to give myself some sense of direction in ways to overcome lack of effort in doing things right and move forward in life.. to gain an insight on how

Mark Brown says:

October 24, 2024 at 10:59 pm

Dear Ms Lewis,

I think children and adults should be softly encouraged to do their best and over time build self-awareness of this.

I was born in Australia in 1964 and was blessed with parents who let me find my path while instilling great values.

Vengesai Siyawatu Mazambani says:

October 25, 2024 at 9:33 am

That’s exactly what I do in raising my children. Building resilience, and ensuring they reach their full potential in every facet of life.

Ron D says:

October 28, 2024 at 12:32 pm

nice article

as an American, I often times stop and think about just how different my culture is from everyone else’s. it brings me pleasure.

so nice to read your insights and about the development of your children. Kudos.