Love Confessions in Japanese: What To Say To Win Them Over

Saying 'I love you' is not the words I want to hear from you.

Love confessions in Japanese are expressed with the term 告白 (kokuhaku; “confession”). So much more than a simple word, this two-kanji phrase has the power to start a new and exciting life for you; however, at other times, it could put a period to your hopes and dreams of getting that special someone’s interest.

If you’ve lived in Japan for some time now or have watched enough Japanese movies, shows and anime, you’d know that informing someone of your attraction to them before asking them out is a common thing here—even among adults.

So, do you have a crush on someone and can’t wait to break the news to them? Here are some useful tips and expressions that will help you tell your Japanese dreamboat how you feel and, hopefully, get them to say the same!

Love Takes Time… & Proper Wording

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The part of the confession-making process that makes most people (in any language) nervous is what words to use to convey their feelings. Let’s start with some basic Japanese love-related phrases and see if they’re suitable for first-time confessions.

一目惚れ (Hitomebore; “love at first sight”)

Telling someone about your hitomebore for them might sound like a proper way to express your feelings, especially if you’re actually honest about falling in love with them instantly. However, according to most of my Japanese male friends, it actually seems to have the opposite effect with the guys. I asked as many Japanese guys as I could (I lost count after 20), and the general consensus was that, unless you two had been friends for a while, this word feels cliché. It is not recommended to use it when you’re first expressing your love to someone, but if you two get into a relationship, by all means, tell them this later. They will be happy to hear it!

愛してる (Aishiteru; the big “I love you”)

Aishiteru should never be part of a confession. “It’s tantamount to a kokuhazu suicide,” said one friend who also added that “saying that makes you sound like a stalker. It never works out well.” Even in English, saying ‘I love you’ from the get-go is not a typical phrase you’d say to someone you haven’t even started dating yet, right? So, the same applies in Japanese.

好き (suki; like or love)

As a non-native Japanese speaker, I’ve heard over and over again that suki means both “like” and “love” and that one needs to be especially careful when using it regarding people lest others misunderstand your comments. Nevertheless, for a confession, the most basic and widespread phrase is 好きです (suki desu; I like you), often followed up by 付き合ってください (tsukiatte kudasai, “please go out with me”).

Sounds simple enough, right?

Not yet! While these terms are common in first-time (aka teenage) kokuhaku, as an adult, you need to be a bit smoother and more original. Using an anime-like kokuhaku is just not going to cut it after age 18. So, here’s what you can say instead!

Romance Vocabulary for Emergencies

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If you’re a pretty frank person and know your perspective date well, the following are solid and very straightforward approaches:

実は、(〇〇)が好きです。今度、ご飯でも行かない？
Jitsu wa, (the person’s name) ga suki desu. Kondo, gohan demo ikanai?
The thing is, I like you. Do you want to go grab dinner sometime?

私たちは前から友達だけど、実は好きになった。
Watashitachi wa mae kara tomodachi dakedo, jitsu wa suki ni natta.
We’ve been friends for a while now, but the truth is, I’ve started to like you in a different way.

実は、(〇〇) が前々から気になっていて、もしよかったら今度デートしませんか？
Jitsu wa (the person’s name) ga mae mae kara ki ni natteite, moshi yokattara kondo de-to shimasen ka?
The thing is, I’ve been interested in you for a while now, and I was wondering if you’d like to go on a date sometime?

The Subtle Approach

If that special someone is a person you work with, or if you’re out as a group but want to get to know someone specific a little better, you might want to try this less confession-y approach:

帰りに一杯／コーヒーはどうですか？
Kaeri ni ippai/ko-hi wa dou desuka?
Would you like to stop for a drink/coffee on the way home?

Or maybe you want to ask them out to dinner:

今度の（金曜日）一緒にご飯でも行きませんか？
Kondo no (kinyobi) issho ni gohan demo ikimasenka?
Would you like to have dinner together on (Friday)?

Or, try asking them to a location-based date—you can always add the romance aspect later!

一緒に（新宿／お台場）にでも行かない？
Issho ni (Shinjuku/Odaiba) ni demo ikanai?
Would you like to go to (Shinjuku/Odaiba) together?

The Straightforward Approach

Although you might just get a flustered response from your intended date, you could always go for the straight flirting route too. It’s worth a shot, right?

カッコイイですね。飲みに行かない?
Kakkoii desu ne. Nomi ni ikanai?
You’re really cool (good-looking). Want to go grab a drink?

You might have noticed that most of these phrases are rather indirect and/or hesitant, using vague words like “demo ikanai?” or the negative “ikimasenka”. Sometimes, there’s even no subject. In a Japanese cultural context, being vague when you’re testing the grounds is a normal thing. On the contrary, being too direct and specific might put pressure on the other person (unless they’re really into you already), so one piece of advice: be as vague as possible on the first try but also clearly imply that you like them and would like to have a one-on-one time soon.

Two Outcomes: Date or Rejection

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After nervously voicing your kokuhaku, the only thing left to do is wait for the reaction of the party you confessed to—an acceptance or rejection.

Acceptance

Acceptance can be a simple いいよ (ii yo, “Sure”), or そうだね、一緒にどこかへ行こうか (sou da ne, issho ni dokoka e ikou ka; “Sure, let’s go somewhere”), or, even a returned confession like 本当に？俺／私も好き！(Honto ni? Ore/Watashi mo suki!; “For real? I like you too!”).

Rejection

Rejections could be as simple as the chilly ごめんなさい (gomennasai; “I’m sorry”), which is a “no” on its own.

Listen for what they say after that, though; if anything—For example, ごめんね、ちょっと予定がある (gomen ne, chotto yotei ga aru) just means they’re not free for when you asked, but could be on a different day. This means you might have to ask them when they’re free—いつなら大丈夫？(itsu nara daijobu?). If they don’t give you a specific date and are vague about it, don’t push it further—it’s probably a lost cause.

If they tell you 実は付き合ってる人がいるんだ (Jitsu wa, tsukiatteru hito ga iru), it means they’re already in a relationship and aren’t interested in you.

Kokuhaku: With Or Without It?

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The idea of a kokuhaku itself has both fans and detractors. Fans are quick to point out that it’s the best way in which to see whether or not someone is interested and if you should allow those feelings to persist.

On the other hand, detractors say that fears of rejection and heartbreak were reason enough to wait until a relationship developed on its own. Ultimately, the result of any kokuhaku can only tell you exactly what the person you’ve just confessed to feels about you, for better or worse.

Storytime

Confessing your interest to the Japanese person of your dreams doesn’t have to be scary—there are plenty of women who have done it before. I’ve done it and lived to tell the tale, so you can do it too. Here’s a story from a friend about how she used Japanese in a unique way to confess:

“I had a crush on my Japanese tutor, and I wasn’t sure how to tell him I liked him, so I googled how to ask someone out in Japanese, and wrote it down. Then I gave the paper to him and asked him to read it to me, which he did. In reply, I said, ‘Of course I will.’ He was really confused for a minute, but after reading it again, he laughed and we started dating soon after.” (Jean, American, 27)

In the end, however, it all comes down to being honest and sincere about your feelings. To borrow the words of a male friend of mine:

“It doesn’t matter how old you are, how cool you think you or the other person is, or even if you can speak the same language. The important part is being able to tell someone how you feel, and being mature enough to accept their answer, no matter what. If you can do that, then every kokuhaku is a success, even if you don’t start dating.” (Kota, 27).

How would you like to confess/be confessed to? Has this happened to you before? Share your stories in the comments below!

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